Tumultuous

You know when you wake up with something on your mind and then your mind goes “hey let’s think about other fucked up shit”

That’s how I feel right now.

Yes, I know it is my anxiety. Yes, I see it manifesting in different ways. Yes, I need to rationalize and go back to sleep otherwise I’ll be upset and tired today.

But for a moment - Just a small one - I’m feeding my anxiety.

Because I have a number of years left of living (of which I have no control) and don’t know who will be a part of it in a month. Or a year. Or ten years, should I be so lucky.

Because I don’t know what decisions the people around me will make. They probably don’t really even know yet. And I don’t know how it will affect me.

I don’t know who is in it for the long hall and who is just dragging me along.

I don’t know if the married men or men in relationships who try to provoke illicit relations are a microcosm for men in general. Or if they are just them and it is wrong to assume.

I don’t know how to trust all the time. Or how to not be afraid of what happens after I get left behind. Or after it’s made clear I am not good enough.

But anyway.

I am good. And I will be fine. All these swarming thoughts will lay to rest, and I will keep on going.

prettiestcaptain:

I own a pug and I still don’t know if they are really real.

(Source: blowsobs, via tastefullyoffensive)

I don’t know what I want.

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