I want to love unencumbered.
Sometimes I long for that deep depression and disappointment. It used to be familiar. A comfortable plague.
But now, it has changed. Things are right. I feel happy. Blessed, even.
I used to fear the rain. The dark clouds would centralize within me; making my heart heavy. But now even what used to frighten me seems gentle; something to be admired.
Credit card scores
Cell phone carriers
Credit card apps
When did we get old?
Also theories on sun rotation around my apartment
when girls orgasm they be grabbin at shit that aint there kickin lamps over throwing pillows their eyes roll back and they recite ancient spells in the language of long lost civilizations
thats why I never satisfy women sexually its scary and I’m not here for it
You know when you wake up with something on your mind and then your mind goes “hey let’s think about other fucked up shit”
That’s how I feel right now.
Yes, I know it is my anxiety. Yes, I see it manifesting in different ways. Yes, I need to rationalize and go back to sleep otherwise I’ll be upset and tired today.
But for a moment - Just a small one - I’m feeding my anxiety.
Because I have a number of years left of living (of which I have no control) and don’t know who will be a part of it in a month. Or a year. Or ten years, should I be so lucky.
Because I don’t know what decisions the people around me will make. They probably don’t really even know yet. And I don’t know how it will affect me.
I don’t know who is in it for the long hall and who is just dragging me along.
I don’t know if the married men or men in relationships who try to provoke illicit relations are a microcosm for men in general. Or if they are just them and it is wrong to assume.
I don’t know how to trust all the time. Or how to not be afraid of what happens after I get left behind. Or after it’s made clear I am not good enough.
I am good. And I will be fine. All these swarming thoughts will lay to rest, and I will keep on going.